one, two, three, four, five

One. A kiss on her hand. Two. She leans in for a peck on the lips. Three. Our arms around each other, laughing, another peck. Four. Another one. Five. Six. She opens her mouth and so do I. Our teeth clash two or three times as we try not to miss each other's mouths. Seven. I bite her lip, she pushes her tongue into my mouth. Eight. We get braver. Teeth clash, tongues touch, we break apart again and again, bursting into laughter. Nine. I could do this all night. We're drunk and our kisses are sloppy, but I'm enjoying this. I know she won't remember tomorrow because she's already blackout drunk, but I don't really care. If I'm being honest, this is not about her. Sure, she's cute, and sure, I've wanted to make out with her a couple of times, but this? This is about kissing someone for kissing's sake. It could have been anyone at this point. Ten, eleven, twelve.

It's obvious. Her gaze holds mine captive whenever she looks up. Even when she doesn't I look at her. I smile, unconciously, and as soon as I notice I feel like an idiot. I feel everybody's nosy eyes on me, but when I look around everybody is preoccupied and probably don't even notice us. Even though you can see it, even though it's so obvious; I glow, when I look at her. I glow from the inside when her laugh is mine or she's so close to me that I can smell her perfume or her fingers intertwine with mine so thoughtlessly.

 

Her leg touching mine makes me hold my breath. Her hand on my neck makes me shiver. Her hair inbetween my fingers makes me thank every existent and non-existent god for those blissful moments. God, how much she means to me. Her every word makes me want to pull her closer and kiss it from her lips, everytime she moves I want to wrap my arms around her waist. God, how I adore her. I whisper my I love yous into the crook of her neck, when I trace the fine veins on her arms with my fingers, when she's sleeping safe and sound next to me, when she's in another room and the light hits her eyes at just the right angle and they look almost like the sea on sunny days, when she spills sugar all over the counter tops because she was laughing too much at one of my stupid jokes.
It's a miracle how you can love someone that much.

distance

In January, I wrote as an Instagram caption: "Sometimes the people you love leave to have big adventures, and it's hard and awful and hurts like hell to see them walk away for the last time for what feels like forever. Thing is, you still are incredibly excited and happy for them."

Distance sucks, especially when you don't really know how you feel about someone in the first place. Distance leaves a helluvalot of room for speculation, for wondering and for driving yourself mad. Still, distance kinda gives you the chance to think about someone while not being influenced by them that much. It gives you the chance to see how much you actually like and therefore miss them, and to take a better look at what you actually hope to be for that person.
Distance makes friendships a lot harder. Distance, especially the time-zones-apart kind of distance really makes you see how much time you are willing to spare to talk to someone, and how much of their time goes towards you when they're exploring and adventuring on the opposite side of the globe.
Distance somehow makes a reunion so bittersweet that it almost hurts. I have a couple of friends that live train rides that sometimes last three and a half hours away, and seeing their faces light up when they spot me on the train platform makes up for the months we were apart, and still it hurts because I know after these few days I won't see them again for months.

A friend of mine recently returned from a year abroad, another one from a semester. Friends of mine are going to university a few hundred kilometers away and while I don't want things to change, they will. They will change over time, the way you behave around each other will shift - whether that's awkward silence when you see each other again because you haven't been involved in each others life and it feels off to share the same space on this planet again, or it's the excitement that's been bubbling in you since you made plans to see each other because oh god I missed you so much come here I'll hug you forever.

A lesson I've only recently learnt: sometimes it's the best to just let something go. People, relationships, dreams, things. Of course you should keep fighting for what you want, but sometimes it's better for you and any other involved party to realize it's time to quit. Distance can help realize that and make the decision, but it also can make it a whole lot harder. You've managed to keep at least somewhat of a connection going, so it's difficult to admit that somehow the line ripped off and you can't talk to each other anymore.
Distance is a weird thing: it rips you apart and sometimes brings you back together even closer, but sometimes the gap of a few months and a couple hundred kilometres stays the same, even after you've seen each other again. I guess it's not the distance but what you make of it.

changing skin

1. The girl I am today is shy and silent
she's two layers of cozy sweaters
that are perfect to hide in
she's burning candles and crying in the dark
and sad songs drifting through the air
she's notebook scribbles and dreams;
the fragile princess of castles on clouds

2. The girl I am today is tough and cold
she's red lipstick and all-black
and "I don't believe in anything at all"
she's made from ice and rocks
she'll throw at you if you come too close
she's built her throne from blood and bones;
the heir of a kingdom of pride and fear

3. The girl I am today is sweet and kind
she's dresses made of flowers and rosy cheeks
and the one who kisses goodbye
she'll hug the nightmares away and show you heaven
full of sunshine and warmth like hers;
she's the light in your life and your heart
winner of the crown to your soul

4. The girl I am today, the one I was yesterday and will be tomorrow
is not a girl at all.
she's a woman as tall and brave and wise
as anyone could be
she's armors and battles and fires in winter,
fairy tales and comfort and life.
she's a goddess, a conqueror, a heroine.
a patron, a lioness with claws and teeth of gold
she's a warrior queen, guarding her kingdom
till the last breath passes her lips
and the one you love and fear;
but never yours, never yours at all.

I wrote this poem in December '14, realizing I don't have to be the same person everyday.