a loveletter to my dead childhood pet

It's been a year since we lost you, and boy, what a year it's been. There was no one there to eat the tinsel off the christmas tree, there was no one to lie next to me or dad when we were sick, there was no cat on a lap while watching TV - you know how the little one only lies on the couch. There haven't been any falling asleep on my chest cuddles, because the little one prefers not to touch you - he likes to be pet, but he doesn't like to be picked up or to cuddle like you did.

I still cry when I think about saying goodbye, how you didn't want to get off my arms because you knew - you knew we were saying goodbye, you knew this was the last time I could put my nose in your fur and you could lick my fingers and you knew it was the last time we'd be able to touch each other. You knew this was the end and that probably hurt more than anything, that I couldn't pretend you didn't feel any fear or any hurt - you'd been hurting for years. We all knew it was coming to an end. I lit a candle on my windowsill that night, so you'd have it easier fnding a spot to rest, somewhere, out there, between the stars and between the countless other pets who'd been so much more than that. You were my TV buddy since I was three, you were my co-reader and co-sleeper, you were my family, my sibling even before my sister was born. You have been in my life for four fifth of it. You have been my biggest constant and my most comforting friend, and I still cry when I think about you, but most of the time, I smile, because we got to love you, and you loved us, and there's no doubt to that. We adopted a new kitty. We said it was to have someone to play with the small one, but in all honesty, I believe it was to try and fill the void you left, but of course there never will be one like you again. There will never be a love like your childhood pet, no matter what. You'd hate the new kitty. She's so tiny and energetic and even the small one who doesn't look small anymore compared to her - he detests her the way you detested him. I hope you feel at least a bit satisfied knowing she's annoying him as much as he annoyed you. Losing you was losing family, and it's been so hard since. I miss you still.

My friends and family recently gifted me an album full of letters and photos and there are tons of photos from when we were small, and you weren't sick and still double the size and it makes me so happy to look through those photos searching for you in the background, sitting on a chair, so much fatter than I remember, so much healthier - the fact that we saw it coming for four years hasn't made it easier at all.

This has been the longest time I've had to be without you since I was barely three. In two years, it will have been the longest I've had to be without you ever. I guess this is to say - I love you. I always have. I always will.

E