Sunday, 17 June 2018

about sadness

The sadness comes in waves. It crashes into me when I least expect it, when I turn my back to the sea, enjoying the water around my ankles and the sun on my face, and it throws me off balance. Just when I thought I had both feet steady on the ground it lifts me up again and makes me fight for every inch of space that seperates me from the bottom of the ocean. The sadness comes in waves, and just when I thought I'm close enough to the coast again, when people have pulled and pushed until I could stand again, it crashes into me and pulls me out again.
Just last week another wave crashed into me as I spoke somebody on the phone, and as I went back to my friends tears filled my eyes and complelte despair flooded my brain. Last week, I had a reason, but usually I don't really have one except "it hurts to exist", except my stupid fear of everything and everybody.
Sadness is a weird thing. There are so many kinds of sadness. There's the hollow, deep sadness of losing someone. The burning, painful sadness of missing someone. The kind of sadness that gnaws at your heart until you feel like you can't make it trough another day. They all have something in common though: they'll paralyse you if you don't fight them. Sure, it's okay to be sad for a day or two, in certain cases a few weeks, but you have to start fighting it at some point, and if you don't, the sadness will drown you, consume everything you thought made you who you are and leave nothing but an empty shell behind.
It's hard to fight against the tide pulling you out into the ocean. It's hard work; your muscels will hurt, your lung will scream for air, your skin will burn from the cold water, your limbs will be too stiff to move, but you have to try. You have to fight.
If you don't, the waves might drown you.


Sunday, 10 June 2018

failure and fear

So, babes. Let's talk about failure.
For me, failure is one - if not the - scariest thing to happen. Or to might happen. I've had a huge huge struggle with failure and being afraid of it the past couple months and it's not over yet. Stupidly enough, this is a thing I can actually fail in, not just not succeed. So, how have I been dealing with it? Long story short, I haven't. Long story long: I've been crying myself to sleep, I've been crying all the time, I've made my parents and my boyfriend go crazy with worry and getting very annoyed with me because I've got this (semi-)irrational fear of failing in that one thing. It's crippling, honestly. It's so awful that I can't sleep, can't eat beforehand because it feels like I'd have to vomit after eating anything.
I am so deeply afraid of failing that it's kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I will fail because I am so afraid of it. Especially with this thing, I don't think if I hadn't been so afraid I definitely hadn't failed, I might still have, I'm pretty sure I would've, but that is not what's important here, because that is in the past.

What I tell my friends when they are very afraid of something is: "Fear is in the future. You are now.", which is the wisest thing I've ever heard about fear. Doesn't calm me all that much though. I can tell myself a million times that fear is in the future, I'll still be damn scared. One party is telling me it's not that big a deal and they're will be a lot of way more important things I could fail in, the other one's telling me how we've been trying this for so long and how have you not gotten better at this?
And there I was, in the middle of this mess, trying and trying and trying and it's not working. When do I reach the point where I give up? When is it enough and I have to admit to myself it's just eating up my money and my time and all my energy and happiness - and I decided, no matter how the next try turns out, it'll be the last time I try. (Now, I'm pretty sure that helped a whole lot, that I was so sure in my head that whatever happens, this will be the very last time I'll have to do it. Also, the universe saw my struggle and gifted me with three hours of brand new snow right when I needed it.)
I am not absolutely sure why I wanted to share this or what exactly I wanted to share, but I think it's something along the lines of: Sometimes, failure is giving up. But giving up isn't always failing, sometimes it's realizing there are much more important things you could give your energy to.

Thursday, 31 May 2018


I've been in a relationship for the past two years. Recently, I've noticed I mention my boyfriend fairly often, and many stories I tell now involve him in some way. I didn't really know what to think about that. I love him and we spend a lot of time together, so it's only natural that I talk about him, but that much? Can't I hold a conversation anymore without telling somebody about him?
N and I have known each other quite a while. So long that I can't remember the first time we met, or talked to each other, or anything. He's been a part of my life for years, so how come I just now started talking about him that much?
Well, of course, I also talk a lot about my cats. I love my cats, I have them around me most of the time, I like spending that time with them, and I think they're pretty funny. Staying with that comparison, I love N, I have him around me a lot, I like that, he's smart and funny and intelligent. So, obviously, I'll tell people jokes he told me, things we did together, just stuff that has to do with him. He said that, he did that, he made me feel loved. And that's the key point here, I feel like. I have known him for years, yes, but he's only recently become THAT important to me that I want to tell people THAT much about him, that I want people to know I love him.

That is not a bad thing, I realized. We still spend a lot of time apart, we still do stuff on our own, we have our own interests and hobbies and friends. He changed me, yes, but he did that before we were a couple too, and that doesn't mean that now I completely depend on him or that my personality has been shaped entirely by him. Change is good. Change means progress and learning.
I used to think if a significant other changed you a lot (or even just a little), that means you're pressuring yourself into an image of you they might have, that you're changing to benefit the other person and that you changing for a s.o. was a bad thing. I've realized that isn't true. I have had to be a lot more compassionate in the last year, a lot more understanding, a lot more communicating, a lot more honest. I would consider each and every of those traits a good one. Having N around me to love me and to be loved by me taught me quite a bit, and therefore changed the way I interact with people, how I express my emotions. I'm not a cynical asshole anymore when it comes to romantic things and relationships (at least as much as I used to be), I try to understand people's reasons for their actions more than before and I try and try and try to be a better person, for the sake of everybody who has to be around me on a regular basis.
Having someone in your life to talk about is actually quite a cool thing. It's a good thing. It does by no means mean my life and thoughts are consumed by just one person, it simpy shows how important he is to me. That's okay. I just needed to realize that.

Thursday, 7 December 2017

chasing dreams

It's been a while, I know. I promised to post more, I know. But I do have a good reason: I've just started university in October, which has made the past few months quite stressful. I didn't want to say anything before it actually happened because I didn't want to jinx it, but now that I've succesfully completed six weeks and already made a few friends, I feel safe to tell you: for the next three years, I'll be studying Creative Writing and Cultural Journalism.
Writing has been the Big Dream since day one for me. I've never wanted to be anything but an author. This is a huge huge step towards that dream (and considering only 15 people have been accepted for this BA at my uni this year, it's also quite a big chance) and I am so so excited I get to take it.
Up to now, I love all my courses, I love the atmosphere and I have not been complaining too much. The people are really nice and I get along quite well with everybody (for probably the first time in my life), and once I've gotten used to everything I hope to be far more productive.
This is what I've always wanted to do. This is everything to me. This is my chance to make my dream come true and I'll be damned if I don't seize every little opportunity. So this, kind of, is a promise to myself: I'll make this work.

From the point in time I'm now in, writing this, I'll be moving tomorrow, and then hopefully I'll settle in a bit more and get used to the routine and I really hope I'll have more time and energy (and ideas) to write more on here. Two posts are done and just wait to be published, a winter books post is in the making (if you have any suggestions, then please, tell me!) and a few more are started and are now waiting for more inspiration to strike.
I hope you've been well!
Lots of love from
me, chasing my dream

Friday, 27 October 2017

autumn books

Similar to my summer books post, I wanted to share a few of my favourite autumn reads with you! These are the books I want to reach for when it's getting chilly outside, the leaves are falling, the mornings are getting foggier and foggier, Following what I explained in my last book recommendations post, autumn is my fantasy book season, but, just like in the summer book recs, I'll include a few non-fantasy books that still give me that cozy, comfy feeling.

The Inkworld trilogy by Cornelia Funke: Inkheart, Inkspell and Inkdeath.
These books captured my heart from the beginning. They follow the story of Meggie, who's father is a bookbinder. Her father has a special gift: he can read things out of books, but for every thing that comes out of a book, another thing has to go in.
I feel like saying any more about it would give away too much of the story, but be assured: those books are as cozy and comfy and wonderful as it gets. Cornelia Funke is a german author who has written some of my all time favourite books, and this series is pure magic.

The Bartimaeus series and the Lockwood&Co series by Jonathan Stroud both have the same autumn vibes to me (tho I'm not quite sure anymore if they are set in autumn). The book series both take place in semi-present day London. Bartimaeus is a djinn who's called by - you wouldn't believe it - a twelve year old magician's apprentice, and since the little twat didn't make any mistakes in his spell, he actually has to serve him, too.
The way this story is told is absolutely hilarious and I, for one, fell madly in love with Nathaniel. (If you speak German, the first audio book of the series in German is narrated by Martin Semmelrogge, who has the PERFECT voice for telling this story.)
Lockwood&Co is about three teenage ghost hunters who take on their biggest case yet. Oh, how I adore the setting and the vibes you get from this book.
Both series are absolutely wonderful and you should give them a try if you love sassy protagonists and that little twist of dark magic.

The Last Dragon Chronicles by Chris D'Lacey was a book series I read when I was about 13/14 (but apparently did not finish, as I found out whilst doing a bit of research for this post!)
David needs a place to stay at for university and finds a home with the kooky Mrs Pennykettle and her daughter Lucy. Mrs Pennykettle makes small clay dragons for a living, and soon David has to discover that neither his new home nor the dragons are what they seem.
Simply thinking about these books gives me cosy, comfy autumn vibes. It's such a great series with so many lovely characters (and come on, who isn't a sucker for dragons?), and it'll surely warm your heart as well as it did mine!

The Sherlock Holmes books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This is one of my boyfriend's picks, but I couldn't agree with him more: Sherlock Holmes is definitely an autumn read to me. If you don't know what the books are about (which I highly doubt!): Sherlock Holmes is a detective who solves crimes simply by deducing the order, cause and means of an event, with which he surprises not only his friend John Watson but also the staff of Scotland Yard and most of the people that ask for his help.
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott is a book my mom wanted to read because Joe on Friends mentioned it a couple of times. My dad got her the most beautiful illustrated edition and within weeks, both me and my mom had finished it and were swooning over every little detail. The stories of Betty and her sisters are such a homely read for me and feel made for autumn. (My personal fave must be Jo, and I cried when Amy cut her hair!)

I hope these books give you a little inspiration for what to read this autumn! If you have any autumn books, I'd love to hear your recommendations!

Thursday, 31 August 2017

turning eighteen

Two and a half months ago, I turned eighteen. Not only that, but the day before my birthday I had my graduation and my prom. It was a pretty busy weekend. Most of all, all those important life events were crammed into a span of maybe 36 hours. I was scared of all of them; I'm not too happy with my final grade, I was afraid I'd trip in my heels and fall down the stairs to the stage at my graduation, I was scared of that huge part of my life ending, I was scared of what's coming next. Prom was a similar issue: I'm not too fond of huge crowds and loud music and many people crammed into a small space. I wasn't keen on spending six+ hours in the company of people I didn't necessarily enjoy spending day after day in class with. And then midnight. The greatest horror of them all: my eighteenth birthday. The dreaded number.  The thing I have been most afraid of the past years.

I started crying the second my best friend hugged me and told me how much she loved me. I cried even more when my boyfriend started wiping the tears from my cheeks and kissing my face, and I couldn't stop when my friends lined up to say their lines and wish me a million things for my birthday.
It was all just a bit much, I think. The uncertainties of the months to come, the fear that I wouldn't be able to study something that really interested me and just becoming another empty shell, doing things I didn't enjoy in a place I didn't like, feeling like a waste of space and energy.
Now I know I will be able to study what I want to, but that fear remains: what now? What if the thing I always dreamed of will be just another disappointment, what if that's not what I'm supposed to do, what if I never find that thing?

The thought of now legally being an adult scares  me more than anything else. I'm responsible for myself now. I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself, and I'm afraid I don't know how. 
I'm currently in the progress of finding an apartment in the city I'll move to in autumn, and it's way more difficult than I imagined. I'm afraid I won't be able to find a place in time, I'm afraid I will miss appointments and lectures and deadlines if I'm supposed to remember all of it myself, if I alone am responsible for the work I do and how it turns out. I'm so afraid of failing, is what this is. The old, comfortable monster underneath my bed, mocking me and all my efforts. What will happen when I'm the one who has to make it go away?

Thursday, 6 July 2017

summer books

I do this weird thing where I associate certain genres with certain seasons of the year. Autumn and Winter are Fantasy, Spring is Romance and Young Adult and Summer is Crime and Horror novels. While I'm sitting on the beach, enjoying the sun and trying to get my pale skin at least a tiny bit more tan, there's nothing I enjoy more than a good Crime novel. I've compiled a few of my favourite Summer chill inducing books for you (and a few extra ones for those who don't enjoy blood splatter and murder as much as I do) in this post.

N° 1, one of my favourite crime novel series (and also TV series! God, how I love Sasha Alexander):
Rizzoli & Isles by Tess Gerritsen. Tess Gerritsen, who studied and practised medicine before she started writing novels, first wrote medical thrillers. Her now probably best known series follows Boston based homicide detective Jane Rizzoli and pathologist Maura Isles, who together solve gruesome murders.
Up to now there are 10 books and seven seasons to the series. The TV series is great, too, but differs from the books quite a bit, so if you enjoyed one of them, it's not guaranteed you'd enjoy the other one too, but it's definitely worth a shot!

N°2: Do not read this if you're going on a cruise. It might ruin the fun a teeny tiny bit: Passenger 23 by Sebastian Fitzek. Did you know that every year about 23 people disappear on cruise ships? By the time someone notices a person is missing, the ship has moved too great a distance to search the water successfully. Years ago, the wife and son of police psychologist Martin Schwartz went missing on a cruise, until he receives a call from an old woman who claims to know what happened to his family.
This one definitely messes with your head, approach with caution!

N° 3, a book by the one and only, the master, the King of Horror. Christine by Stephen King: Arnie is  a loser. He doesn't have many friends, girls don't like him, his life is a bit of  a let down. When he buys a red Plymouth Fury called Christine, everything seems to change: he falls in love with a girl, he gains confidence, even his acne clears up. But Christine is more than just an old car, and apparently, she has a mind of her own.
My dad lend me this book one hot summer a few years ago. It was the first Stephen King novel I've ever read and it's still my favourite (if you don't count On Writing, which is basically my holy grail).

N° 4 is quite disturbing in it's own way: The Perfume by Patrick Süskind tells the story of Grenouille, a boy with an extraordinary sense of smell. Most smells disgust him, until he smells a young girl passing him on the street. He kills her to have her smell, but quickly notices it won't stay. He wants to learn more about perfume, so he can find another girl, just like the first one - but this time, he'll preserve her scent.
I've read this book in our garden in the sticky August heat, and I couldn't imagine a better place to do so - it's definitely a Summer book for me.

N° 5: infinitely praised, both as a book and as a movie. Captivating, filled with tension, brilliantly written: Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl. The day Amy Elliot Dunne disappears changes everything for her husband. He's the main suspect in the case that builds up around Amazing Amy's disappearance. As he and the police discover new sides to Amy's personality the evidence tightens the rope around Nick's neck. But did he really do it?
Oh, how I loved this book. It's incredibly well written, and the mind games this book plays are amazing. Within pages you start to question everything you know about the case and Amy and Nick.

And now to the two non-crime/thriller books:

 N°6 really made me think about so many things. It's a wonderful book, and it definitely makes you question what and how you believe and whether or not it would be worth a shot to change your life a bit.
Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert is an autobiography that gives exactly what it promises: Liz, who recently divorced her husband, decides to travel for a year, four months in Italy, four in India and four in Bali, to find her inner centre again.

N° 7 is as funny, heartwarming and cosy as you could want a book to be.
Pat has finished his time in a psychological treatment facility and is now on a mission to win his wife Nikki back. On his first evening out, he meets his best friend's sister-in-law Tiffany, who is depressed, widowed and just a teeny tiny bit crazy. She promises to help him get Nikkis love back if he helps her win a dancing competition.

I hope you enjoy those books as much as I did! Please tell me if you have read any of those or plan on reading them. On that note, have a great summer!