Monday, 30 May 2016


I didn't believe in soulmates for a very very long time. I didn't believe in the soulmate definition Disney shows and Fantasy Romance books portrayed. I didn't believe that there's someone you're just meant to be with, that there's someone on this earth made just for you, that will always love you unconditionlly no matter what. Still don't believe in that soulmate definition.
What I do believe in: there'll be people out there who understand you without you having to say a word. There's no explanation needed for anything. There won't be any judging, there might be a "I don't agree with what you did or think or want.", but there'll still be a "I'll support you if you think what you're doing is best for you, even if I don't agree with it." A soulmate isn't a person that was specifically made for you, who completes you or perfectly matches your jagged pieces. A soulmate is the person that makes you feel comfortable telling them every little detail they definitely wouldn't need to know, who comforts you when you're at your lowest and doesn't allow you to crawl into that pitch black hole of sadness, who lifts you even higher when you thought you couldn't reach more, who can tell you "I envy you for what you've accomplished. And I'm so goddamn proud of you." and you know what they mean. You feel what they mean. A soulmate is someone you don't even have to look at to know how they'd respond to that thought or how they'd answer that question, but you want to anyways.

My soulmate approached me one afternoon in the bus, asking whether that had been me in the library. I said yes, and from then on, things only got better. We'd fall asleep taking about the universe and how weird boobs are, her fingers in my hair and smiles on our faces. We can't finish a movie because we both love talking and every sentence said spirals into a conversation about anything and everything and we stop the film because we don't want to miss a scene but at the end we still don't know what it was about and I feel like I've learnt a whole new universe of things. My all-time-favourite picture of me was taken by her in my garden, my favourite conversations were between us two in the bus, not even half finished streams of conciousness when she had to get off. We always say we should keep a list of topics we want to talk about but haven't found the time to yet because the universe is full of things and questions and riddles and we want to solve them all. We wanted to solve the Da Vinci mystery when we were twelve, we wanted to travel the world together when we were thirteen, we wanted to go on every adventure we could possibly have. I wouldn't want anybody else by my side at my lowest, neither at my highest. I never had to explain myself to her. She just understands, she gets me with just a single glance, a single half-smile across the room. We can have conversations simply by excanging one look. There's never been awkward silence between us. We can sit in silence for hours but we don't for the most part because there's just so much to say, so much to tell.
To me, she always seemed like the better version of myself; our brains seem to work so much alike it's almost scary, and still, she amazes me with every word, every thought, every action. We think so similarly about things and still she opens my horizon with every conversation, every sentence even. She's so much stronger and braver and better than I am and I adore her. I love her so much I think it'd tear me apart sometimes. I've never had that kind of love for anybody else. I strongly believe that love is, for the most part, a choice and not an emotion, but she's never given me a choice. I never had the chance not to love her. I have a lot of difficulty describing what I feel for her because like I said, I've never had that kind of love before. She's special. She makes me feel so much and so strongly and deeply about so many things.

In the now five years I've known her I've learnt so much about myself due to her. I've learnt so much about loving people conditionally and unconditionally and about how to find a healthy balance between those two things, I've learnt how to evaluate whether a relationship or parts of a relationship are toxic or not and how to step back from these things, look at them and change them. I've learnt how to deal with my own and other people's hurt in so much more healthy ways and when I say this girl changed me in a way I could never have imagined, I'm not telling a single lie. No one has ever had me that determined to keep my promises, to tell the truth, to be a good friend and sometimes even a good person. No one has ever made me love them in this way I can't find words for - and I usually find words for everything. I won't stop talking, but the amount of times she made me shut up and listen already are many more than anybody else in my life will be able to.
What to take from this: love isn't always romantic. You can love platonically as much as romantically. The biggest loves I think I'll ever love aren't romantic - they're platonic. Another thing to take from this: soulmates aren't that person made just for you. Pretty sure those don't exist. Soulmates are the people you'd not only trust with your life but also with all of your heart. Soulmates don't have to be a romantic partner.
One more thing: If you find a person that breaks your heart with all the love you have for them, keep them.


  1. You're the grossest cutiepie this goddamn world has ever seen. I hate you for being this bittersweet bunch of love. gah. Take all my love.

  2. Wow I love this so much. Your writing is powerful in the gentlest way, and this warmed my heart. <3

    Nicole | explosive bagel

    1. Thank you thank you thank you! This means a lot <3