Wednesday, 18 May 2016

about growing up and growing old

I have two big fears: growing up and growing old.
Let me explain: I'm afraid of growing up because I don't want to lose the childlike sense of wonder I've somehow managed to preserve the past 16 years, I don't want to take responsibility for anything or anybody else than myself, I don't want to have less time to do the things I enjoy because I've got to take care of my responsibilities. I am afraid that one day I can't turn on the TV any more to watch my favourite childhood show and enjoy it. I am incredibly afraid that my mind and heart will change and that I'll think of what I'm doing now as childish and stupid, that I won't value the friendships I've made during my childhood as much as I did now because we were just kids, we didn't know what friendship really meant. I am afraid I will grow out of these friendships, curse myself for spending so much money and time on train journeys to people, grow out of going to the supermarket in our free period and trying to find the most stupid thing they'd sell and laughing way too hard about one of us buying a five litre bottle of water and drinking it within the next three hours, of 11pm calls about TV-shows, of running through our school and laughing about everything and nothing. I am afraid that one day, these memories won't matter to me any more.

And here's why I'm afraid of growing old: every time I get out of my bed and hear my spine crack, I can't help but think about a time it will do so every third morning, then every other morning, then every morning and then one day I won't be able to get out of my bed on my own. I am afraid that my body will fail me, that my fingers will forget how to write, to braid hair, to fold paper dragons. I am afraid that one day I won't be able to remember how the dress looked my mother wore to her wedding, or how much bigger my father's hands were compared to mine, that I won't be able to recall my sister's eye colour, the way my best friend smiled, what my grandma's voice sounded like, that I'll forget the name of the girl I'd have given my life for – I am so afraid that not only my body, but my mind will fail me. My biggest nightmare is needing someone to take care of me, to remind me of my sisters name, my address, the year it is, who I am.
Time passing scares me so much. One day, I'll forget what the name of the boy in my drama club was, I'll forget what I wore the day that the person I liked hugged me weirdly, I'll forget the names of the sisters of the girl in my English class, how the teacher looked we always ranted about. One day, I won't be the same person I am now, and that frightens me more than anything.


((These photos were taken at the Clock Museum in Putbus, RĂ¼gen. If you're ever on the island, I'd definitely recommend going there! It's pure magic, and the lady who owns it is great and super lovely!!))

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