falling

I have fallen in love. The longing-filled, bittersweet kind of love. I keep checking my phone, playing and replaying songs, reminding myself of all those smiles and kisses and intertwined fingers, and I just want to cry.

I get that awful, horrible feeling in my gut, that hole in my chest, that hollowed out space that definitely wasn't there before, and I just keep thinking about how close to not-happening the whole thing was. How it all seemed lined out and scripted from day one, how I struggled with fate, how I battled the universe on this, and how everybody saw it, everybody except us. I keep thinking about what we could have had years earlier, how we tried and tried to ignore it. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe it wasn't.

 

Friends to lovers is one of my favourite tropes in fiction, because it shows that good relationships are not only dating someone, but dating your friend, maybe even your best friend. How much easier it is to skip all that getting to know each other because you already do, you've already had known each other in and out for years, how you don't have to explain anything because they've seen you at your worst and at your best. If you have a base on anything other than that thing called love, if you have something to build on, it just all seems so much more predestined. Maybe that's it, maybe it seems meant to be because we've always gotten along so well, because we've always been able to laugh together, to be there for each other, there's always been so much trust between us that a romantic relationship wasn't actually that big of a step - or an especially big one.
Falling for someone is a difficult thing for me. Or rather, falling for someone and then letting them in. Letting them see my heart and my mind, letting them participate and help. I only have few very good friends for that exact same reason: I have a hard time opening up to people. So maybe it isn't that surprising at all to find the person I'd fall in love with already inside the walls instead of miles away from the medival castle I've built to contain my feelings. He's been there for years, helping me mend the walls when somebody hurt me, trying to keep me from building another one, trying to keep me calm when I thought I'd be failing for sure. He's made me laugh countless times, even though I tried to hide it in the early years, but still he kept trying to cheer me up. He kept trying to get me to maybe switch out my castle for something easier to visit. A nice little cottage in the forest maybe. Thinking about it, I'd actually quite like the look of that.

I'm back!

(No, really.) Okay, I'm not going to promise weekly posts or incredibly creative photos and texts and everything, but I'm back, and I'll try.

Alright-y, first of all, I'll explain why or how I was 'away'. The last post on this blog was sometime around October, if I remember correctly. It's been over half a year, and I am very sorry for that, not only for the people who like to read my stuff, but also for me, because that means I haven't really written since then. Yes, I did NaNoWriMo and wrote like 20 pages, and then I did Camp NaNoWriMo in April and wrote seven, but that hasn't been continuously. Reason for that is that around November last year my first exam period of my last year of school started. Our last two semesters of school here in Germany are shorter than the others, because at the end, we take our final A-Level exams in late April/early May, therefore we had to cram a lot more school work into a lot less time. That's quite stressful, as you can imagine, and I haven't had time to read or write or create, for that matter. But now, I'm done with school, I've taken four out of five of my A-Levels, the last one is an oral exam in early June. Until October, when university starts, I don't really have anything to do, so I'll try and blog a lot more!

In June/July, I'll be travelling for a whole month, near the sea, so I'll have quite a lot of time to photograph again, which I'm very excited for! Until then, I'll try to write a bit more. 

Since I have a lot more time on my hands now, I'll also be reading more, if you'd like some book recommendations, I'll try to get some of those out, too!

(Another not-really-little thing I'd like to mention is that the lovely Nicole from explosive bagel mentioned me in her Reflecting on 2016 post! Thank you so much for that, I was really really excited when I read it!)

Okay, I'm done rambling. Expect to hear from me soon!

Love, 

Liz.