Sunday, 1 July 2018

clicking bones

The most horrible noise in the world is joints clickling. I have a friend who always cracks his knuckles, and every time he does it, I flinch. I talked to my best friend earlier today and told her that every time I leave my bed in the morning, my right hip clicks. I met up with a friend the other day, and every time he moved, a joint somewhere in his body clicked.
I don't think there's any noise I hate as much as clicking joints, because it means that something is wrong. That something is off and in no means how it's supposed to be. That things are shifting, and I despise change. I hate having to adjust to something new. I am terribly afraid of things going wrong, of things not being in the right place, and every time I hear a joint click I am reminded that most things are out of place.
Right now, so many things feel wrong and off and out of place and for once I think it's not just in my head. Though most of it probably is. Do you know that weird feeling you get right where your skull meets the back of your neck when you feel like there's something wrong? That slight bit of pressure, or at least it feels like pressure is applied to that spot.
I feel lost, like I've let go of something I shouldn't have, and now I'm falling, or drifting away, and it scares me. I am losing grip. I don't quite know on what yet, but I definitely am. Maybe it's my sanity. I feel lost quite a lot of the time, but this time it's different. It's more intense, more real, for some reason.
My joints click on the daily. My body moves and shifts in ways I'm not used to, in ways it's not supposed to. My bones don't belong where they are, they don't belong together the way they connect. Something's not quite right, but I haven't figured out yet what.

No comments:

Post a Comment