Sunday, 24 June 2018

turning nineteen

And here we are again. The dreaded date on the calender, the "Happy Birthday!"s and the God, I wish they would stop. I think my last birthday was the hardest so far, but this one will come close second. My birthday is on a monday, which leaves me no chance to be with my family for my birthday. This is the first one where I'm away from home. I don't feel as awful about turning nineteen as I felt about turning eighteen, still it's not really something I can be happy about. Birthdays still suck.
It's weird how much happened in the last year. Last year around this this time I knew my deam university didn't want me but something similar to it might and I was scared even that might fall through. This time around I knew I made it into my backup university, I've been studying this for almost a year now (I had the test for it a year ago in three weeks!) and it's been going as well as it can. I have a plan for the next two years (assuming I'll finish my BA in three years total) which is quite nice, it's more than I had this time last year.
I noticed a wrinkle near my eyebrow today (it definitely comes from scrunching my nose when I wrinkle my forehead), and it scares me, not in an "Oh God I'll look old!"-way but in an "Oh God I actually am getting older."-way. I've said it a million times but I'm fucking scared of it. Growing up and growing old is really not my cup of tea.
It's 9:35am now, by this time 19 years ago I think I might have just been born (I know it's 9something, not too sure about the exact time), and I have spent the day thus far like this: I woke up at 6am because my flatmates alarm clock went off. She's at home with her family. I have no idea how to turn that awful thing off. I tried to fall asleep again until at half past 7 my brain decided that a little nightmare would be a wonderful idea! So, I've had about five hours of sleep on top of a nightmare, I went to the store at 8am to get some dirt to repot my tomatos and my strawberry plant, at the store an employee said a few things to me that made me quite uncomfortable. Great start. Really.
This all sounds very cynical. I can assure you I'm not that cynical anymore. It's gotten better. Still, birthdays are kind of meh. Tonight, I will drink a glass of wine (but not more, I have uni quite early tomorrow) and contemplate my existance. Happy fucking birthday to me.
(I promise tomorrow the world will look different and the next post should be a little more upbeat.)

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