Sunday, 10 June 2018

failure and fear

So, babes. Let's talk about failure.
For me, failure is one - if not the - scariest thing to happen. Or to might happen. I've had a huge huge struggle with failure and being afraid of it the past couple months and it's not over yet. Stupidly enough, this is a thing I can actually fail in, not just not succeed. So, how have I been dealing with it? Long story short, I haven't. Long story long: I've been crying myself to sleep, I've been crying all the time, I've made my parents and my boyfriend go crazy with worry and getting very annoyed with me because I've got this (semi-)irrational fear of failing in that one thing. It's crippling, honestly. It's so awful that I can't sleep, can't eat beforehand because it feels like I'd have to vomit after eating anything.
I am so deeply afraid of failing that it's kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I will fail because I am so afraid of it. Especially with this thing, I don't think if I hadn't been so afraid I definitely hadn't failed, I might still have, I'm pretty sure I would've, but that is not what's important here, because that is in the past.

What I tell my friends when they are very afraid of something is: "Fear is in the future. You are now.", which is the wisest thing I've ever heard about fear. Doesn't calm me all that much though. I can tell myself a million times that fear is in the future, I'll still be damn scared. One party is telling me it's not that big a deal and they're will be a lot of way more important things I could fail in, the other one's telling me how we've been trying this for so long and how have you not gotten better at this?
And there I was, in the middle of this mess, trying and trying and trying and it's not working. When do I reach the point where I give up? When is it enough and I have to admit to myself it's just eating up my money and my time and all my energy and happiness - and I decided, no matter how the next try turns out, it'll be the last time I try. (Now, I'm pretty sure that helped a whole lot, that I was so sure in my head that whatever happens, this will be the very last time I'll have to do it. Also, the universe saw my struggle and gifted me with three hours of brand new snow right when I needed it.)
I am not absolutely sure why I wanted to share this or what exactly I wanted to share, but I think it's something along the lines of: Sometimes, failure is giving up. But giving up isn't always failing, sometimes it's realizing there are much more important things you could give your energy to.

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